Questions

Well I did it. I had that difficult conversation. And in the end I realize I did it for myself. The right reason for sure. I hope it meant something to the other person too but only he knows that. I also realized that communication is so helpful for your soul. It is so powerful. It really helps you put things at peace. I am thankful I was brave enough to reach out for it.

I discovered that someone wasn’t who I thought he was. But to his credit, it was mostly because I didn’t really know him yet. I had presumed I did from a handful of intense and emotional experiences. That wasn’t fair to either of us. Truth is, I haven’t had enough time to know him yet and to some degree don’t we truly only know what they let us know about themselves?

I was open, real and beyond the bullshit. That is just me. People have a hard time believing that at first when the meet me. I guess it isn’t very common. But once they realize it is true I always get that look from them. The one when they realize I am not playing games. Some look at that with respect and others they look at it as being foolish. I look at it as respecting the other person by not feeding them bullshit. Isn’t it more foolish to think someone likes the taste of bullshit?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I have been the fool. A fool for the idea of love. I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I know that about myself now. I fall quickly and without measuring risk. But I have felt amazing emotions for men from that. And realize now too that is hasn’t all been love, most of it lust and that’s ok too.

At the time I thought it was love but realize now I wanted it to be. But you can’t make believe love. Foolishly we raise our children with tales of glass slippers, Price Charming and waiting in towers for our one true love. How foolish to feed our closest loved ones such unrealistic views on what love is. Isn’t love the husband that works his ass off everyday, day after day, to provide for his wife or family? Isn’t love the wife that is so tired from getting up early, getting the kids ready for school, working herself for 9 hours but still wants to have a wonderful dinner ready to share with her husband? And isn’t love that great guy she is dating that found out what her favorite flower was and bought her one, only one because that is all he could afford? Now those would be stories that I would want to be told at bed before drifting off to dream as a child.

I am the first to tell you I don’t know what love is yet and through maturity have realized enough to know it means something different to each person. Maybe that is what makes it so special and yet so complicated. Maybe the really happy people ask the right questions in life, even the hard ones to face. To really make sure that they know themselves first and then are brave enough to not judge themselves when discovering the answers what ever they may be. Imagine what would happen if more people did that? What kind of world would we live in, if we did just that?

Until next time.

Christy

Currently listening : Hatful of Rain: The Best of Del Amitri By Del Amitri Release date: 14 September, 1998