Things I Have Learned

Before bringing in the New Year, I wanted to reflect on the important things I was fortunate to learn this year. For me this has been a year of change, learning and new perspectives. Here are a few things that I will not forget.

I learned that life is precious. I lost family members and good friends this year to cancer. I hope to make the most of my time here and really live my life to its fullest in honor of their memory.

I learned what true friendship can be by being open and listening to constructive criticism when told to help me see things from a different perspective. Observations like this are not intended to hurt me but help me. My friend knows me well and knows I don’t want to come across like that to others, so they were honest with me about something I was doing and how others might perceive it. True friendship is being able to tell a friend something difficult and trusting them enough to hear what they are saying instead of becoming defensive and then allowing you to grow from that observation. I am grateful to have friends like that in my life.

I have learned that you are the only one who can bring you happiness. I will never forget that or try to hold those close to me accountable for it. It isn’t fair to them or me.

I have learned to never let fear get the best of me again. Although it is trying to protect me, it always ends up hurting me when I let it lead my thoughts and actions. I found that fear is contagious and others will respond with fear when your actions lead with it. Then around and around you go, feeding off each other’s reactions to the other’s frustration.

I have learned it is ok to make mistakes and sometimes be a mess as long as you can find the humor in it, be humble and learn from them. I can learn from every situation, even from my failures which sometimes are the ones I can learn from the most. And I am grateful for the chance to continue to learn and become a better woman from each of my life’s experiences.

I have learned to appreciate every sunset. It is a sign of one more day that you have had a chance to live. And how special they can be when I have gotten to share them with those I love.

And I have been pleasantly surprised to learn that you can have fresh starts in life. With respect, forgiveness, friendship, kindness and thoughtfulness, you can be given the gift of starting over. And hopefully take all that you have learned and get a chance to do it better then next time around.

I have been blessed with a year of learning and I hope you have learned a few things too. To all my friends for the New Year to come, I wish you a wonderful year of happiness, laughter, fun adventures and fantastic memories. I hope we can share it together and hope to see you all soon.

Until next time,

Christy

Something To Be Thankful For

It seems like so many of us are searching for answers. The irony of that is we are the ones that have the answers. But instead of looking inside of us for them, we seek them from others or expect them to come to us and spend a lot of time waiting for them.

It is easier to seek them from others then to take the responsibility of our own. Many times we feel others might know better than us or are wiser than us. And again the irony of this is that we are the ones that have to live with the answers, not the others. Why would we want to follow a live lead by others instead of one lead by our own heart and head?

And waiting for the answers to come to us can sometimes keep us from living our lives. Patience is a good thing to have and waiting to hear what your heart is telling you in seeking the answers is the right thing to do. But when we wait, sometimes too long for them, we begin to live our lives in reaction of what happens to us instead of choosing our actions. And isn’t that living a life that isn’t in your control? Seeking answers should not be used as a crutch to stop us from making choices.

Finding the answers is a choice. Those that seek them are the thoughtful ones in life that care enough to seek direction from wisdom instead of chance. By choosing to find the answers inside of you, you are listening to your own wisdom and your own heart. When you can do this and take out the fear then you are living your life…your best life.

Fear is a powerful thing that tries to stop us from finding our answers. It stops us from getting close to someone in fear of getting hurt. It stops us from taking risks in case we fail. It stops us from trusting someone so we can’t be let down. It can stop us from loving someone because love didn’t work out for you in the past and you just don’t know if you can live through that disappointment again. And the biggest irony of it all, is that fear is trying to protect you but ends up leaving you with a life that is lonely and isolated if we listened to it, which in the end hurts us even more.

Fear also makes everything feel and seem complicated. If you can take away the fear you can see that the answers are simple. It is your choice to get close to someone and your life can be richer from that. It is your choice to take a risk and if you succeed or fail you will learn something valuable in life either way. It is your choice to trust someone and in return you may be blessed with them trusting you too. And it is your choice to love someone, and you can decide to take that risk because you deserve to be loved and to love someone again.

So maybe the bigger quest is asking ourselves the questions instead of the answers? What do I want? What am I waiting for? Why don’t I just go for it? What have I got to lose? What can I do today because I am not afraid to live?

If we can be brave and make choices and be humble to learn from all of them, think of the lives we would be blessed with? A life filled with no regrets, with love received and given, with gain from risk and loss, with wisdom from our experiences and with happiness knowing that we are living this amazing life we have been given. Now that is something to be thankful for.

Until next time,

Christy

I took a long relaxed inhale. I haven’t done this in a long while and had to turn my face away from my fellow passengers in the row I was sitting in to hide the pure joy in my smile as it took me off guard. I was thankful I was just feeling, not thinking. It has been awhile since I have done that. I smile again for that realization. I sigh from the pure bliss of this.

There is importance in knowing the moments of life when one’s heart should lead and the head should check-out and enjoy the ride. Especially if we are nervous and are searching for answers, it takes a little faith but just letting go and trusting ourselves can be the answer we were looking for.

I have been too headstrong lately. I have let myself over think things and left no room for feeling things. And the feeling things, is what allows us to connect to others. I am grateful to come to this understanding and am going to relax and trust this feeling.

Until next time,
Christy

It's In The Living

I live in the now. It’s not a place, it’s a choice. I live in the present. I try to take a deep breath in each experience and live it fully. I do it out of respect for the one I am sharing it with and by this, I also respect myself. I give myself freely in a moment.

This is why I enjoy many of the things I am passionate about in my life. Music. I can lose myself in a song and let it take me to a different place. To the emotion it evokes all the way down to my soul. I feel the notes to the point that I sweat out the lyrics.

Photography. I try and capture the joy or sorrow of the moment or steal that space in time. I want to look at that photo and relive that moment a thousand times. I want to feel the spark in their eyes and read the meaning behind that smile.

But when I can do this through writing…it’s becomes surreal, consuming and even intoxicating. I write to remember what I was feeling in an exact moment of time. If I can capture it and find the words to translate the emotion, the mood, the way the air felt on my skin, I can give myself a rare gift of reliving those memories again and again, in a way only I can see, through my eyes. And every time I feel lost or distant from it, I can take a journey right back to that moment and live it one more time because I did live it so completely in the now. And my heart gets to jump right out of my chest one more time.

Until next time,
Christy

Life Lessons through Death

Yesterday we lost my aunt to cancer. This is my second aunt that has died from cancer. We lost her sister when I was in high school. Although we are very sad, we are relieved she is no longer in pain. No one should have to suffer like that. Cancer is an ugly thing that takes so many from us…too many.

These events in life bring up our fears. Death scares me. I know it is because I feel like I have so much more to live and want to do in life before my time here has come to an end.

Instead of hiding from the fear, I try to embrace it. Even fear can give you a perspective lesson in life. It helps me realize that you have to make each day matter, life is not a dress rehearsal and we can make the most of our time here.

Live so you don’t have regrets. Live so you don’t leave things undone or unsaid. Live now, not in the past. Don’t let what happened to you define who you are but choose who you want to be. Live now, not in the future so you don’t miss today and are present for those that love you.

Death can even teach a valuable lesson if we choose to see it. Sometimes it is hard to see through the tears but it will be there for you when you find peace. If you believe your loved ones are now in a better place, don’t you think they would want that for you too? Don’t wait, let that better place be here, now. Live because you can. It can be as simple as that.

Until next time,

Christy

Change

Change can be like a ride on a roller coaster. You have defying gravity highs and lows that make your stomach drop. I have found joy in my new independence followed by the humility of my recent vulnerability.

When you let go of something you knew wasn’t right, you can’t believe the weight it takes off your soul. Your smile feels lighter. You feel the warmth of your joy. And like the thrill of knowing you don’t have all the answers to life.

But it doesn’t come without a cost. Fear has heard I no longer have a roommate and is trying to move in. Hope would step in but seems to be out on vacation. And happiness is right around the corner but is playing hard to get.

My strength has been stripped. My confidence wavered. And my heart needs to rebuild that callus of patience that prevents me from trying to force what should always come naturally.

I need to go shopping and pick up some thick skin, courage and refrain. Pack up my emotions that have been on my sleeve. Muzzle my inner critic. Dust off my intuition and cautious nature and re-read the game book. Because heartache, misery and sadness are not on my to-do list.

Until next time,

Christy

The gift of Perspective

March 21, 2010

It has been a long time since I have written in this blog and many changes have happened to my story. I meet a guy, fell in love, got engaged, ended the engagement and now am starting a new chapter.

In ending something that significant in life, you can have a flash flood of emotions run through you like an ice cold river rushing in your veins. You feel pain for the loss of something you believed at one time to be unstoppable. Fear for the unknown. And worry if you will have the strength to start over.

As you struggle to stay afloat, you realize you have gained insight from the mistakes you made. You are closer to the shore, finding out what you need by knowing what you don’t want. You can get angry at yourself for playing the part of a fool or be thankful for a lesson in humility. And of course, you can’t help but feel sadness as you mourn the loss of something that died, but find strength in knowing that by feeling it you can get over it.

Yet even through all of these powerful emotions, at least for me, hope rises through the current and seems to float on the others. Hope for a new future full of possibilities and a fresh start wash over me and give me peace in this emotional storm.

A funny thing for me was; I couldn’t write when I was with him. I still don’t know why and am not sure I ever will. Maybe I was afraid of the truth I would have found. But thank god, the truth has a way to find you even when you hide from it.

I missed this. I missed getting into my mind and under my skin and trying to take others out of theirs. I missed the clarity it brings me. I missed the relief you feel being able to capture your thoughts and come back to them for advice, like an old friend.

I don’t know what my future holds. I have no idea what new directions it might take but I am hopeful and excited about the possibilities. After the tears stopped, a smile took their place and I found a pen back in my hand.

Until next time,
Christy