A Heart in Pain is Simply Feeling Love and Loss Fully

I have been told and do feel that I am being so hard on myself lately. But I am beginning to understand why. It is guilt. I feel guilty that I let myself down. And I feel like I cost myself something very important to my heart by the mistakes I made. I know there are two people involved in the loss but I can only be responsible for my part in it.

When the guilt is from something you did to yourself, it is twice as hard to take and for that matter twice as hard to forgive yourself. You know how important it was to you because you defined the importance. You feel the cost of the loss because it’s your loss and you feel every detail of it. And you inconveniently have every minute of every day to examine, analyze, and blame yourself for all you did wrong even when you fight not to because guilt seems to win every battle it embarks on in your spirit.

When you let yourself down, you become your worse critic. It’s like opening the flood gates to one bad review after another, judging you on what you did and didn’t do. On what you shouldn’t have done or should have, as hindsight is always 2o/20. But instead of letting it get me down, I am making a choice to learn from it.

So I humbly take it all in. I listen to every word because I know I can do better and I deserve more. Through all the fearful emotions and angry judgments there is something to learn and gain if I take the time to listen to all my heart and mind tries to tell me. And I owe it to myself to listen and learn from my mistakes and get to the root cause of why I did make the mistakes to begin with.

To battle the guilt I dive into learning and self discovery instead. I am reading books, articles and writing down all my insights gained, thoughts discovered and realizations made to capture all of it and begin to become a more improved woman and partner.

It is like I am cramming for an exam, only this time it’s an exam of the heart or of my character. Studying for a final, only this time it is to prepare myself to be more careful with his heart and mine. And training, only this time to make better choices for the next time I am in a relationship.

So these next posts will be a series. A series of things I am learning. I want to share them to humbly remind myself I am trying to become better at this adventure of life and relationships. I also want to hold myself accountable for the new direction I am taking to self improvement. What better way to teach an old dog a new trick then to capture the words and read them back to myself again and again till I learn to make the better choice and take better care and build the character I will be proud of.

I hope to begin to change my critic’s mind, start to hear the positive reviews and possibly and hopefully find a way to forgive myself from losing something that meant the world to me.

Until next time.
Christy