There seems to be two sides of them, one being when you feel them. They seem to come without your control and you don’t really know why they happen but they do. They can be exciting, fun or nerve-racking. And as much as we don’t know about them, many have decided to trust them to mean something about how we feel for another person.
But I ask why do we put so much emphasis on them as a teller of our feelings? Why do we desire them so much? Why do we end up making important choices from them? And are they really an indicator of our feelings for another or of our fear and nerves about them?
An interesting point I once read stated “Why is it that in most areas of life, people believe in free will, infinite possibilities and our inherent, natural-born freedom, yet when it comes to relationships, they believe that some are meant to be?” That stopped me dead in my thoughts. It was so true yet I don’t think we realize we do it. We make our own choices and use our free will in all areas of our lives but so often don’t with relationships and love.
We wait for a feeling or a sign like the butterflies. We don’t actively look because we wait for fate to jump in with a serendipitous accident to meet someone. We even get married with an “I do” instead of an “I will”. Doesn’t “I do” indicate that it is something that is just happening to you verses “I will” which is your choice?
Many don’t actively make choices about love because of our romantic notions of a greater source controlling or pushing us together. But how strange is it of us to take one of the most important things in our lives with that approach? It’s as if we want to believe in things like fate or meant to be and butterflies as an indicator of such so badly, that we don’t make our own choices and take responsibility for our own happiness. Or is it, if something else is in control we don’t have to take full responsibility if it does or doesn’t work out?
Throughout my years I have trusted those butterflies and made decisions based solely on them. Most of the time, I ended up with the wrong man or went for the “bad boy” because of them. I even knew they were wrong for me but I felt the butterflies around them and decided to take that as a sign, feeling, or reason to stay with them regardless of the facts because let’s face it, facts aren’t romantic are they?
Looking back, I now realize how foolish or irrational I was to make decisions based on them. I discarded my wisdom, my feelings and my reason all for the sake of butterflies. Each time I knew the man wasn’t right for me. We didn’t get along, we didn’t have anything in common, we argued too much, I didn’t respect his character and so on and so on. Each time I knew but I stayed because of those butterflies, wanting to believe in the romantic aspect of them. As if they might know something I didn’t and we were fated to be together because I was feeling them.
There is also the other side which is not feeling them. I walked away from some men before really giving them a chance because I didn’t feel the butterflies. Again trusting what I thought that sensation meant instead of looking at and weighing the wonderful qualities that they had, how well we got along or how happy I was with them. This is how much I think we want to believe in that kind of fated love or the meant to be. I did.
Years past and so did many unsuccessful relationships including an engagement because of my naive way of choosing men. But before actually getting married I realized he was not the right man and I was with him for the wrong reasons. I made a choice to do the right thing and ended the relationship.
After that, I decided I would stop trusting those butterflies as an indicator of my feelings for another and begin seeing them as just a way to let myself know of a feeling I was having that needed to be explored more to find out what it was and why I was feeling it. I realized that they could and often did represent other feelings I had and that my decisions in choosing men should not be made from having or not having that one sensation.
Now I could see that sometimes the butterflies were telling me to be caution with my heart. Other times I had them because I really like this man and didn’t want to make a mistake. And other times it was because I knew that I shouldn’t be with the man because I wasn’t really myself with him. It helped me see as well that not having them sometimes was just as important and a good thing because it meant I was really comfortable with that man and I was at peace when I was around him. I wasn’t questioning anything when it came to him. That the absence of that sensation can actually be a good sign.
With this new understand of my butterflies, I began to stop putting my faith in them and start putting my faith in myself. I began to see that relationships were not meant to be; they were a choice to be.
When I began to date again, I decided to look more at who the man really was and to trust my opinion on that as to if I would choose to have feelings for him. I made a list of all of the things that was important to me to find in a man and it helped me ask valuable questions I should have been asking. Did I respect him? Was he a good person to everyone, not just to me, his friends and family? Did we get along and like to do things together? Did we challenge each other to grow? Were we good for and to each other? Did he bring out the best in me? Were we comfortable around each other enough to be our true selves? And did we have fun?
And because of my new focus I did find someone that I could answer yes to all those questions. It was the first time in my life I chose the right man for the right reasons. That was a huge difference to my past behavior. I had changed for the better.
This man had so many of the qualities I was looking for. A character I admired and I really respected how he treated others. He was kind, pensive, funny, humble, smart, and wise. He was laid back, caring, hard working, carefully adventurous, had a sense of wanderlust, and an appreciation of the simple things. He always tried to put himself in other people’s shoes to be able to see both sides. And he valued family, doing a good job, being a good friend, the importance of time and to choose wisely how you spend it.
We liked to do the same things but more importantly I enjoyed spending time with him even doing nothing. We had many laughs, much fun and a sense of ease when we were together. And one of the best parts was we were friends first. We had been for years. But when I changed my focus, defined what was important to me to find in a man and had finally matured more into a woman than a girl, I saw him in a new light and realized just how wonderful and amazing he was.
I became a better woman because of him. He helped me see I could be and was too stubborn at times and I needed to let go of my fear to trust and not try to control things in a relationship. I was challenged and grew from our experiences together. As he helped me see that showing the softer side of who I was didn’t mean I wasn’t still a strong woman. He even taught me the meaning of compassion and I was capable of giving it especially when it was hard to do but most important at those times.
And in addition to all of that, the icing on the cake was I was attracted to him more then I had been for any other man. We had amazing chemistry. And I began to realize that chemistry was greater than I had felt before because it didn’t come from butterflies, it came from the time we spent getting to really know each other, trusting him and opening up to him because of who he was as a person and how much I did respect him. After finding a man like that and hearing how wonderful he was, I hope you can see why I felt like I was the lucky one.
I looked at my list and saw for the first time that everything was checked off. I had found that man by deciding to make a better choice and by trusting myself. The feelings that followed after getting to know him…the butterflies would even be envious of and in comparison they began to look more like moths to me. That is how much better it felt falling for the right man for the right reasons. That feeling felt better than any amount of butterflies I had ever felt in life.
You might ask, why would I write about this now after the relationship is over? To remind myself when I am down and especially because it didn’t work out, that I should still trust myself. It is so easy to begin to doubt or question yourself when you are sad and have faced such disappointment. But I did learn to make a better decision. I did learn that love is a choice and not just something that happens to you. I can pick a good man and did for the right reasons. Even though it didn’t work out, I became a better woman from it. And maybe because before you can move on, you have to truly appreciate what you had. I hope it helps me find courage for the new road ahead.
You might also ask, but why didn’t it work when I found the man I was looking for? I don’t know if I can answer that. All I do know was he said he didn’t feel for me what he thought he should. Ironically, he was waiting to feel butterflies.
Until next time.
Christy
