Moving On

Today is a hard day for me. I found out what I needed to be able to move on. I faced what I should have long ago and the goodbyes have been said and the many tears have fallen. I let go and also told him I can’t be friends as he requested.

It is the first day of moving on. The irony is that it was a very successful day, bittersweet but successful. My head knows this. Now I just need to have my heart get on board.

I think the false hope I had recently, was just my way of trying to protect my heart from the pain. Feel it in stages in an attempt to have it hurt less. It didn’t. I wish I would have felt it all when it happened at the end and I could have saved my heart from so much grief now.

I write in hopes it can help release the emotional pain. Words on a screen…can they even represent a fraction of the emotion from a broken heart? I think that depends on the reader, if they have felt it, can relate to it and have their own unfortunate reference point. I have a new respect for the word broken.

And why is it that no words from loved ones, no matter how kind or wonderful they are, bring any comfort? This time for me, the grief has been equal to what I have felt from loved ones passing away. That is hard to understand. How can the end of love feel the same and an end of a life?

I am also scared I will never find love again. I have been so many places in my life. I have meet thousands of men throughout my life and of those thousands; one man had everything I was looking for. What are the odds that will happen again? I would say they are stacked against me. Even if I deserve it, what are the chances of finding that again?

I also wonder why it could happen, having this kind of amazing love grow for someone but they don’t feel it for you. Seems like such a waste. The world needs so much love, why create something so beautiful for it to be worth nothing in the end? I struggle to understand that.

So in the end I do question, is it all worth it? Is the gain worth the loss? This might sound jaded or bitter but it really isn’t. It is just the thoughts from a woman that wasn't loved. I hope the answer someday is yes. That will be the new hope I have.

Until next time,
Christy