March 21, 2010
It has been a long time since I have written in this blog and many changes have happened to my story. I meet a guy, fell in love, got engaged, ended the engagement and now am starting a new chapter.
In ending something that significant in life, you can have a flash flood of emotions run through you like an ice cold river rushing in your veins. You feel pain for the loss of something you believed at one time to be unstoppable. Fear for the unknown. And worry if you will have the strength to start over.
As you struggle to stay afloat, you realize you have gained insight from the mistakes you made. You are closer to the shore, finding out what you need by knowing what you don’t want. You can get angry at yourself for playing the part of a fool or be thankful for a lesson in humility. And of course, you can’t help but feel sadness as you mourn the loss of something that died, but find strength in knowing that by feeling it you can get over it.
Yet even through all of these powerful emotions, at least for me, hope rises through the current and seems to float on the others. Hope for a new future full of possibilities and a fresh start wash over me and give me peace in this emotional storm.
A funny thing for me was; I couldn’t write when I was with him. I still don’t know why and am not sure I ever will. Maybe I was afraid of the truth I would have found. But thank god, the truth has a way to find you even when you hide from it.
I missed this. I missed getting into my mind and under my skin and trying to take others out of theirs. I missed the clarity it brings me. I missed the relief you feel being able to capture your thoughts and come back to them for advice, like an old friend.
I don’t know what my future holds. I have no idea what new directions it might take but I am hopeful and excited about the possibilities. After the tears stopped, a smile took their place and I found a pen back in my hand.
Until next time,
Christy
