Reflections of a Heart

They say the things we seek are a reflection of what we are missing from ourselves.  If we are confused, we look to others thinking they must surely know the answers.  If we are looking for happiness, it surely must be on the other side of finishing that certain task or accomplishment.  And if we are looking for love, it surely must be with him or her. 

And when these things elude us we tend to think we need to try harder.  Read another book or ask another friend.  Climb the bigger mountain.  Or it must not be the right person and start dating someone new.

But I have been taught recently to look at life differently and understand that what we seek is really what we feel we are lacking within ourselves.  Our first thought is that everything we seek must be outside ourselves but in fact it is not.  And we are so focused on finding what we seek that we seldom try unlocking what all our seeking means. 

I seek love.  And despite dating some wonderful men in my life, love has eluded me.  I am still single.  I do wonder why at times and am sad that I haven’t found someone to spend my life with.  But until recently I never thought to look inwardly.

I never thought that my seeking of love in this world could be a mirror to where I needed to work on myself.  I forgot to ask myself, did I feel loveable?  And did I love myself, with all my qualities and especially with all my flaws?  These kinds of questions seem to make us feel embarrassed or defensive and ones we seem to avoid but they are a key to unlocking the love we seek. 

It was very hard to admit that if I was brutally honest with myself, I didn’t.  A quote really hit me: “We can become masters at climbing the mountains of the world instead of breaking a trail to the center of our woundedness.”  I never thought that the reason love with a man hasn’t worked out for me yet was because I didn’t love myself. 

Somehow I had let the scars of my life change my love for myself.  I had felt abandoned by love and then abandoned my love for myself.  And I had lost faith that anyone out there really would love me as much as I wanted him to. 

I became fearful of the thing I wanted the most. I was so afraid if he really saw who I was, he wouldn’t love me.  From this wounded place, I built a house of walls.  I was alone but didn’t realize it was from my own volition.

I had masked my fear in bad relationship choices and decisions but the reality was I was afraid to be loved even by myself and especially by another.  And recently that fear cost me one of the most important things in my life.     

For me it took that painful experience of loss before I realized what I was doing to myself and not doing for myself. And I began to see how my lack of self love was affecting all aspects of my life.   From this humble place, I realized I needed to love myself again. 

Seeing myself now so raw and exposed, I could see who I was before all the scars formed and all that I have grown since them.   In this new vulnerability, I found compassion not judgment for my mistakes.  And from there came a willingness and openness to love myself again. 

You cannot give more love than you have to give.  And you can never receive more love than you are prepared to receive.  These words helped change my life. 

Love doesn’t take faith. Love is real. Love can be held, felt, nurture you, and learned from. Believing in it is what takes faith.  I don’t think I really knew that before or clearly saw the difference.  And I am eager now to see what this new perspective will mean to my life. 

Until next time,

Christy