The Irony of Loss

The irony of loss is what you gain from it.

I have gained a greater understanding of myself. I have gained a greater understanding of what love really is. And I have gained a greater understanding of how hope can bring you both peace and pain.

I am a different woman then before the relationship started. But I am also different from the end of it as well. And even through my sadness I know I need to be grateful for both.

Time is passing and now months have gone by at a speed that seems to be as fast as a blink of an eye but at the same time as slow as if I had to watch each second pass on the hands of a clock. I am living them. Of course I have happiness; it is in my nature but also my choice. And I am getting stronger and trying to keep my heart open. But I find that isn’t easy and that scares me.

I still have moments where something reminds me of him and the intensity of that feeling seems as if it can bring me to my knees. Still as intense as the first day I felt them. After the joy passes from the memory my eyes usually start to fill with tears. I try to hold them back and sometimes I can’t. I cry from the beauty of what I feel as well as the longing to still be with him. And after each moment I feel like I have to regain the strength I have built.

The memories are a gift. I am grateful for getting to feel them in life. I am not bitter because I know what we had was real. Even the longing I now feel is a gift. Getting to feel what it feels like to truly miss someone this much is a gift that is as equally as important to understand what love is.

And again I am reminded that I still just don’t know how to move on yet. That knowledge brings me equal amounts of sorrow and peace. And my new understanding of myself has helped me see that I do need to find a way to trust myself again. So I am going to do that and embrace where I need to be and have the courage to stay here.

Until the next time.

Christy